Childhood memories

     I was 7 or 8 years old, sitting in a pew in a little brethren chapel in Indiana, right next to my grandpa.  We were there for the communion service and different ones were praying, sharing from the word, or calling out a hymn to sing.  My favorite hymn was "Old Rugged Cross"; so, I called out the name and number during a quiet lull.  The awkward silence that followed, as no one rustled through the hymn book pages or started off the first note, hung in the air.  After some long minutes passed, someone else moved on with prayer or sharing, and I sat squirming, flushed and uncomfortable.  Later, my grandfather rebuked me, not unkindly, for speaking up in a service when that was only for men.  Oops.  I shrunk back embarrassed, wondering why the hymn I had chosen wasn't acceptable.
   I only have three stark memories of my grandfather, each a rebuke or negative feedback.  I picked some raspberries that weren't quite ripe.  I wanted to try a little ketchup on my mac-n-cheese like grandpa had.  It got smothered all over my mac-n-cheese, and I was not a fan but had to eat it all just the same.  I don't consider these traumatizing events, by any means, but it's funny that my memory has held on to them for 30 years, give or take.  My soul still kinda shrinks back to think of them, but I humbly acknowledge that I've seen that same soul shrinking feeling on the faces and in the eyes of my own children when I have come down too hard, lectured too long or too sternly.  I laid awake last night wondering what memories my children will carry and wanting desperately for them to remember the fun we had, the compassion of my responses to their mistakes and struggles, the tenderness that I demonstrated...
    In church last Sunday, the preaching was on the gifts of the Spirit and how God speaks to and through us. During prayer, I had a vision of each of my children as young olive trees in planters lined up together in my house.  I was their caretaker.  (Ps 128:3b ...your children will be like olive shoots around your table. and Psalm 144:12
Let our sons in their youth be as grown-up plants, And our daughters as corner pillars fashioned as for a palace;) If I prune them too harshly, water them with the Word and with life-giving words and nutrients of encouragement infrequently, neglect to set them under the rays of the Son, they will wither and fade, struggle and either die in their souls or become roughly independent in their striving to survive, to hang on. However, if a wayward  branch grows out and I tenderly redirect and prune as needed, cultivating growth toward the SON, water and refresh and tenderly care for them, they will thrive and grow into glorious, fruitful trees that bless nations.  Pray for me.  I so much want to be this kind of cultivator.  So, in the process of the Great Pruner still working on me, I want to mimic His tender care so that my children thrive, and not wither under harsh words or undertones, too little nurturing in life-giving WORDS or lack of consistent, immediate correction - before the branch gets bent or hardened in a wayward direction. And in this process, I will cling to and embrace the Cross He gives with joy for the beauty it creates.  How many times have these words comforted and called to me as I cling through pain or trial and rejoice in the beauty it produces through times of refreshment and rest.


The Old Rugged Cross
Brad Paisley

On a hill far away, stood an old rugged Cross
The emblem of suff'ring and shame
And I love that old Cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain

Chorus:
So I'll cherish the old rugged Cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged Cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

Oh, that old rugged Cross so despised by the world
Has a wondrous attraction for me
For the dear Lamb of God, left his Glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary

In the old rugged Cross, stain'd with blood so divine
A wondrous beauty I see
For the dear Lamb of God, left his Glory above
To pardon and sanctify me

To the old rugged Cross, I will ever be true
Its shame and reproach gladly bear
Then He'll call me some day to my home far away
Where his glory forever I'll share


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m75wMi3WYv8

Story behind the hymn
http://www.lifeway.com/Article/the-history-behind-the-old-rugged-cross-hymn-george-bennard-revival

Essence of beauty

It's so easy to lose perspective, to one moment be full of faith and the next fear.  But, as I've continually been reminded this year, thoughts follow gaze.  And last week, this hymn came often to mind and has helped set my focus on That which is all beautiful and good, faithful and true.  I have needed many reminders of His faithfulness when confronted almost daily with the unfaithfulness of my contractor.  Have I mentioned that this new house project is HUGE?  5025 square feet huge and nearly every square inch needing a full make over.  We were set for the contractor to start two weeks ago with the plumbing and electrical and replacing a couple foundation beams... but he never showed.  I contacted him mid week of the week he was supposed to start. His crew didn't want to make the drive to Culpeper.  WHAT?!? After 6 weeks of knowing this project was upcoming, your crew doesn't want to come? Now what?  "Why don't you find others who might want to do the plumbing, electrical and some of the construction jobs"...So, now instead of chasing one person down to get work done, I have to find 3 or four others and keep track of them all.  And the process of finding, scheduling, getting estimates, well, it's slow. 

     So, you can see that I need perspective.  To set my gaze on things other than what's weighing me down right in front of me.  I tear down another wall, another ceiling tile, another floor tile.  I breathe, and am so thankful for a faithful and unchangeable GOD and Father who is for me and with me and can work through me and is living, really LIVING in me.  WOW!  His beauty, far surpassing the plants sprouting up in my tower garden, the 5:30am sunrise streaming through my window.  He is altogether FAIR and the wonder of wonders?  He calls me lovely, fair.  He has set the beauty of His majesty on me.  Little old, failing, broken, frustrated me - He calls me fair and its a reciprocating beauty and love that I can't come close to grasping or taking in.  Song of Solomon 4:7 He says of me, of you: "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you."  I tend to choke on this, astounded at the wonder that He sees Himself in me and would bend low to inhabit this weak flesh. 

Join me in great adoration of this ONE who is altogether fair and bestows such beauty on us!

2. Fairest Lord Jesus, Ruler of all nature,
   O Thou of God and man the Son,
   Thee will I cherish, Thee will I honor,
   Thou, my soul’s glory, joy and crown.
3. Fair are the meadows, fairer still the woodlands,
   Robed in the blooming garb of spring;
   Jesus is fairer, Jesus is purer,
   Who makes the woeful heart to sing.
4. 
5.                           
6. Fair is the sunshine, fairer still the moonlight,
   And all the twinkling starry host;
   Jesus shines brighter, Jesus shines purer
   Than all the angels heav’n can boast.
7.                                                                            
8. 
9. All fairest beauty, heavenly and earthly,
   Wondrously, Jesus, is found in Thee;
   None can be nearer, fairer or dearer,
   Than Thou, my Savior, art to me.
10. Beautiful Savior! Lord of all the nations!
    Son of God and Son of Man!
    Glory and honor, praise, adoration,
    Now and forevermore be Thine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDuPe1-JZa8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ny9wtLG598

In need of Grace

     This project is daunting, and I keep reminding myself that we're in it for the long haul, not just a quick fix.  As I work on a project, I have to keep myself from looking around the room at all the other projects waiting to be done there, lest I get overwhelmed with the fact that I can't get it all done at once!!!  Each day I realize I must fix my gaze on two things: the task at hand and the goal.  Worrying about everything in between is not beneficial but leads to all kinds of doubts and questions and fears.  And I realize moment by moment how much grace I need with myself, grace for what I can accomplish in an allotted time frame, for what my body has strength for or my limited understanding can plan and process.  I also need grace for my husband, as we're both tired, easily overwhelmed while living in a messy construction zone.  We liked things clean, put together, everything in its place.., God has a sense of humor.  I need grace for my children, their constant needs, learning to love one another above themselves, learning to serve, processing the craziness, working together and obeying.  And as I've pondered the need for grace, more grace, this hymn came to mind.
     In fact, during communion yesterday, I saw myself, much like this house: a huge work in progress.  I've got messes and am a project in every facet of my life. I need the great Carpenter to come in to every aspect and overhaul and make all things new.  How thankful I am that as He looks at me, He doesn't get overwhelmed and throw His hands up in exasperation or hopelessness.  He sees my finished product, the beauty originally intended and is willing to take one little thing at a time and chip away, sand, scrub, rebuild and make one thing new at a time.  He's in it for the process too, not just the end product.  He's not trying to rush me through just to get done.  I think He actually enjoys the journey, the little progresses He rejoices over.  His grace covers all my sin, all my flaws and scars and brokenness and He works to bring beauty out of the midst!  How thankful I am for His grace. There's no end to it, there's nothing too big or too hidden for it.  It is abundant and it is freely, joyfully given.

1. Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
   Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
   Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
   There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.
   • Refrain:
     Grace, grace, God’s grace,
     Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
     Grace, grace, God’s grace,
     Grace that is greater than all our sin!
2. Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold,
   Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
   Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
   Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.
3. Dark is the stain that we cannot hide;
   What can we do to wash it away?
   Look! There is flowing a crimson tide,
   Brighter than snow you may be today.
4. Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
   Freely bestowed on all who believe!
   You that are longing to see His face,
   Will you this moment His grace receive?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xUYE8s_Efw

https://www.umcdiscipleship.org/resources/history-of-hymns-grace-greater-than-our-sin